


Treating Yourself Badly

by GenerallyDisinterested



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Eating Disorders, F/F, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Unrequited Love, fluff too though, too much angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-26
Updated: 2017-12-26
Packaged: 2019-02-22 04:57:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13159752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GenerallyDisinterested/pseuds/GenerallyDisinterested
Summary: "Usually, when facing a problem, Finn would go to Poe first, as Poe always comes running to him. But this is different. This would freak Poe out, and probably change his view of Finn completely. Poe can’t know about this eating disorder shit. Nobody can.But Hux does."





	Treating Yourself Badly

Hux knows.

Finn stopped eating around the middle of October. Not completely stopped, of course, which is what he should do, but sadly the constraints of his disgusting body keeps him from completely halting the consumption of food. Every once and awhile he’ll require a little pick-me-up to keep from blacking out in the middle of the hallway. A slice of bread or a banana - nothing too heavy that will weight him down and slowly prod away at his fleeting will to live. 

He’s had past episodes of ‘dieting’ as he called it before, but nothing as intense as this. The acknowledgment of the issue started in second grade, maybe even before then. He used to lift up his shirt when he was alone and ungently grab at his stomach. It was softer and protruded further than the stomaches of the other little boys and girls in his class. He could fold it over and manipulate it’s shape, like clay in art class. He knew even at that age that his stomach should more closely resemble the flat surface of a desk, rather then the squishiness of clay. 

“I’m gonna get rid of you,” he would say in a menacing voice, then giggle. It was more funny back then than a matter of life or death as it is now. His diet could always start tomorrow, he would say to himself, eyeing the honey glazed or apple stuffed pastries in the local bakery window. Gross. Greedy. Piglike. Finn feels betrayed by little him for being such a procrastinator. Maybe, had be held back on the calories at a younger age when his body was still forming, it would have grown long instead of wide, or just stayed small. Small is good. He needs to be small. Small like the long, willowy limbs of Professor Holdo, that extend gracefully from her narrow torso. She had extended one of those willowy arms forward to stroke Poe’s cheek with her pale hand a few weeks back, much to Finn’s disgust. He was fuming by the time they reached Poe’s rusty old station wagon. 

“Can you believe her? A teacher! Coming onto a student like that? Gross!” 

“Calm down, pal,” Poe had said through amused laughter. “She was just being friendly. Besides, it’s not that big a deal.” 

“What, do you… Do you like it, or some shit? You wanna do —” 

“And what if I did?” Poe had asked, a touch of defensiveness in his tone. “She’s… Erm… Pretty.” 

Pretty. Skinny. Suited for Poe, even though he had assured Finn later that night that he was joking, and was not about to sleep with a professor, no matter how rotten his grade was in that class.

Finn was glad. Poe doesn’t deserve some teacher who will complicate his life and make class more awkward. Poe deserves someone as intoxicatingly gorgeous and all around fantastic as himself, with a smile that takes breaths out of chests and accelerates heart rates by a significant presents. The facts are simple: Poe is the best. And being Poe’s best friend, it’s Finn’s job to ensure he receives the best. 

And that’s why he can’t tell Poe about whatever this is. Usually, when facing a problem, Finn would go to Poe first, as Poe always comes running to him. But this is different. This would freak Poe out, and probably change his view of Finn completely. Poe can’t know about this eating disorder shit. Nobody can.

But Hux does. 

How Hux does know, Finn doesn’t know, but he knows Hux knows. He had been looking at him oddly for a few weeks, but Finn just assumed he had unknowingly offended him (which isn’t hard to do) and continued on his merry way. 

But then yesterday happened.

On his way to English Finn’s calculator with the digits 248 shining in green digits on the narrow screen slipped out of his hand, and Hux, who Finn didn’t even realize was trailing creepily behind him, jumped on it. 

“Let me guess,” he had said, eyeing the number with careful consideration. “An apple, an orange, and half of a protein shake?”

It wasn’t a protein shake, it was a pear, and Finn had rounded up. He didn’t dare say that out loud. He didn’t dare say anything. 

Hux nodded knowingly and handed it back. “Drink water. And have some of the mashed potatoes they’re serving today. They aren’t very buttery, so you won’t have to punch an awful lot more numbers in.” 

Finn trembled for the rest of the day. 

 

Nobody knows Poe is gay. 

Poe has always known deep down. He lived in denial for the first fifteen years of his life, and decided he was bisexual at age sixteen when his attraction to males became too apparent to suppress any longer. He tried to like girls, he really, really did, but the facts are unchangeable: he’s gay. 

It took awhile, but Poe had eventually decided in his first few months of college that this is fine. This is great. He’s gay! He’ll be the best gay he can be. Coming out is going to be scary, but it his new group of friends will accept him for whatever he is. Rey, one of his best friends, is a social justice warrior and screams about equality into a megaphone with a group of protesters crowded around her every weekend, Rose, another close friend of his, has a girlfriend back home, and Finn, his roommate, Finn would always support him. That’s just the type of person Finn is. 

Finn is also the type of person that makes everyone fall in love with him. Including Poe. 

That’s when it got complicated. Rephrase, that’s when it got monumentally shitty. He can’t fall for his best friend. What if Finn doesn’t like Poe back? What if he does, and they break up and Poe has to be stuck with his ex as a roommate? Even worse, what if it ends their friendship? Poe can’t risk that. This problem called for one solution: straight Poe mode. Poe flirted with female professors, picked up girls at bars, forced himself to watch straight porn and focus on the sweaty naked chick, not her sweaty naked male boss who’s fucking her bairns out on the office table. 

Professor Holdo seemed to take a real liking to Straight Poe, as she made clear when she reached forward to stroke his cheek slowly with a bright smile on her face. Though Poe knew it was just fun and games, and the woman would never jeopardize her career like Poe would never jeopardize his enrollment at this college, Finn took personal offense. 

“Can you believe her? A teacher! Coming onto a student like that? Gross!” 

“Calm down, man,” Poe chuckled, because how cute is Finn when he’s all worked up? “She was just being friendly. Besides, it’s not that big a deal.” 

“What, do you… Do you like it, or some shit? You wanna do —” 

“And what if I did?” Poe asked quickly. “She’s… Erm… Pretty.”

Nice going, Dameron. No straight guy calls a girl pretty. He could have said hot, or sexy, or anything other than “Erm… Pretty.”

Poe felt sick with the lie all day, and had to tell Finn he was just joking at the end of the night. He was _so_ close to telling Finn other things about his sexual preference, but physically forced himself to hold back with his front teeth biting down hard on his tongue. 

Nobody knows Poe is gay. And he’ll keep it that way. 

Especially from Finn. 

 

“Finn, could I speak with you?” Hux asks in a tight voice while everyone else is filing out for lunch. Finn feels his heart rate speed up. 

“Why?”

“To discuss… The mathematics you were preforming earlier.”

Ah. The mathematics. Smooth. 

The two weaved miserably through the crowd of hungry college students and eventually found themselves glaring at each other in an empty stairwell. 

“For the record, I’m not about to get all sappy with you,” Finn grumbled.

“Believe me. There’s nothing I want less than that,” Hux replied cooly. 

“Then why’d you bring me here? What’s so important about the mathematics?”

“It has to stop,” Hux says quickly. “The mathematics. The eating disorder. You have to get help. You have to stop while you still can.”

“Now hang on a second—“

“There will be no hanging on!” Hux steps forwards in an uncharacteristically domineering manner. 

“Look, I’ve got—“

“It under control, right? You just want to lose fifteen more pounds, at the most?”

“Stop.”

“But then your skinny friend complained about being fat again, and there’s another five pounds—”

“Hux, I mean it.”

“… And then you glimpse yourself at an unflattering angle in the mirror and realize maybe you needed more like fifty pounds, and then boom, you’re lying in a hospital bed with a tube shoved down your throat!” 

Finn glares at Hux. Hux glares at Finn. 

“Well, seeing as I’m apparently not the only one with a past of ‘mathematics,’ who are you to judge me?” Hux closes his eyes and withdraws a large sigh.

“Because my mathematics are in the past,” he mumbles, opening his eyes to make eye contact again. “It happened during high school. I’m fine now. I’m better. The professionals would say I’m cured. But Finn..” 

Hux’s voice broke a little on the “Finn,” and he glances down. Finn’s eyes widen in deeper concentration. Is Hux, a character whose been known to display less emotion than an eraser, about to start crying? 

“I almost died,” he finally says, voice sounding sturdier but more distant. It was as though he has to remove himself from his body to tell this story without breaking. “I was in a little white bed with tubes coming out of me for months on end. I almost… If I hadn’t gotten help…” He took another deep breath. “Poe.”

“What?” 

“Tell Poe. He could keep an eye on you. He could take care of you.” 

“No.” Panic swells in Finn’s throat. “No no no. I can’t. Nope. Not happening.” 

“You can’t let it get out of hand.”

“It isn’t out of hand! It isn’t even a thing! Look, I’m sorry for what you went through, really man, that sucks, but I’m not like you. I’m fine.”

Neither of them hear the door opening from a few stairs above.

“Bullshit!” Hux spat.

“Woah there, did I just hear the ever collected Hux say a no no word?” 

The two startle and looks up. Over the staircase railing leans Poe Dameron himself. 

Fuck. 

“I was just leaving,” Finn says at the same time Hux says “Finn has something to tell you.” 

Poe, looking suitably confused, descends the stairs.

“Finn? What’s up, buddy?” 

“Hm?”

“Um, Hux says you had something to tell me?”

“Huh? Oh, right. He… He was just saying that because he has something to tell you!” Hux’s head snaps around. 

“What? No I don’t!”

“Oh yes you do,” Finn retorts, raising his voice to mask the loud growl his stomach lets loose. He doesn’t really feel painfully starving, as he does some days. Today feels more floaty and distant. When was the last time he had one of those little pick-me-up snacks? Sparkles are beginning to dance in the corners of his vision. He tries to blink them away, which only spawns more. 

“Awh, Hux, are you in love with me?” Finn distantly hears Poe croon. “No offense, but you’re not really my type.”

“I’m not in love with you, you cocky twit!”

Now the sparkles are everywhere, eating up everything in his line of vision. He kneels down and grabs a hold of his knees. 

“Woah there, Finn? Finn, are you okay?” 

Poe is in front of him. Even with a mask of shimmers blinding his view, Finn can tell. 

He manages a dry “I’m fine” before toppling over.

**Author's Note:**

> Heyyy 
> 
> So yeah idk if I'm gonna continue this, I wrote it awhile ago and just now decided to finishes it so yeah tell me what you think lmao


End file.
